The fear of talking dirty in the bedroom is not uncommon. Being verbal during sex might sound nasty, but for someone like myself, having a partner who is comfortable verbally in the bedroom is a major turn-on! A man who can tap into his inner Kinkster is a man I want to bring home to momma.
But, let’s get it straight. Some dirty talk I find to be borderline creepy and unacceptable. When you want to act out a molestation or rape scene, sex is not on my mind. I want to know whether I am sleeping with the next Jeffrey Dahmer or someone who has unresolved childhood issues. So that type of talk or scene is not what I’m talking about.
If you’re not familiar with Jeffrey Dahmer you’re likely part of our younger generation. Dahmer, known as the Milwaukee Cannibal, is an American serial killer, and sex offender, who committed the rape, murder, and dismemberment of seventeen men and boys between 1978 and 1991, which is why scenes like rape freak me out. When someone I am sleeping with wants to get into that type of scene I become extra freaked out and I am unable to enjoy the rest of our night of bumping and grinding.
Lately, I’ve been wondering why some guys are more comfortable with dirty talk, and others are extremely shy and refuse to indulge in the act of sex sounds and talk. Sex sounds and dirty talk are like taking a Viagra or an herbal supplement (RX Gold) for some guys.
Hearing a man yell out your name during the down and dirty can make you happy and feel great, and I believe it’s why some men are good in bed and others are not. Not to compare a man to a dog (no pun intended) but when you train a dog, you reward it when it does something right. Over time that dog learns to perform and perform well and on command (ever heard of Pavlov?). It’s the same for men when they do something good in bed. The reward can be a verbal confirmation which is why I find sex talk very important.
However, if your imagination or idea of dirty talk is based on what you see and hear in porn, this can create fear that you don’t sound right. I agree with Matty Silver, a writer for the Sydney Morning Herald, she writes; “avoid looking at porn which gives us a very unrealistic vision of what sex is about.”
If you don’t have the right sexual vocabulary, your communication will be much more challenging. Expressing appreciation to your partner is critical for him to feel confident.
Unfortunately, for a large population of gay men, sex education comes from watching porn. In our society, having a conversation about sex is generally unacceptable. Again, I agree with Silver who says that when we don’t talk freely about sex we become ignorant and fearful.
From personal experience, I understand why some guys might be afraid to reveal their sexual fantasies. It may be from fear of judgment, criticism, and rejection. We all know some gay men can be a little preachy when they are not in agreement with an individual they are attracted to sexually.
We all think everyone else is having great sex, but the reality is, the exceptional sexual experience is a hit or miss. It does not matter if you’re in bed with a long-time partner, husband, or a one-night stand, great sex comes with a connection and when both parties are willing to share their experience together rather than separately.
Silver also adds, “having sex is an extremely intimate act; we can feel very vulnerable and uneasy, and find it difficult to have a dialogue. Fear of rejection, not performing well enough, body insecurities or anxiety about disclosing an unusual sexual desire can stop us from communicating freely.”
Instead of hiding the fact that men are sexual beings and love sex, it’s important to remember that talking about sex makes us better lovers. Our friends are great to talk to because we learn from them, and personally, I would rather get advanced sex education from a friend instead of an unrealistic porn movie.
The more we are in touch with our sexuality, the more we can freely discuss our sexual likes, dislikes, and boundaries without fear of being judged. Hell, often when a guy says, “this is not going to work,” I was thinking the same damn thing but I wasn’t quick enough to say something or too wrapped up in my head thinking if it were me, if I wasn’t in the mood, or if I were just not attracted to him.
Uninhibited sexual desires are normal and no-one should feel uncomfortable during sex to freely express themselves. Hell, if it feels great, say it; why are you holding back, “You’re f**king me so well” is instant access to another round!
Sex is about pleasure and if you’re uncomfortable talking freely during sex, you might want to reevaluate who you’re sleeping with and why.