JOAN CRAWFORD Disses FEUD: Part 4 of a Parody Series
Mommie Dearest is my Joan Crawford star-power brand that will draw crowds after selfie-fad Kardashian joins Oldsmobile in the brand dump.
Dead stars here in Hollywood Heaven ask if I’m offended by my reputation as Mommie Dearest, especially since FEUD: JOAN (and bette) refreshed it for their ep. 3 title.
JUST A G·DD·MNED MINUTE. What do you mean “How the hell did she get into Heaven?”
I blew charmed the gate-guard instead of going to Hell where I was assigned, “FOR REASONS WELL KNOWN TO HER.” That’s how. I’m from Hollywood. FEUD has alleged that I’ve known for over 100 years how to win without guidance from Cosmo to try something new and treat it like a lollipop while keeping one’s teeth out of the way.
The guard was an aspiring rapper busy tweet-promoting his rhyme-track “Ima Keep It Real Yo” so it wasn’t that difficult to pull off. When people are distracted by silly texting and FAKE NEWS, you can score big scams. Like getting into Heaven or elected president.
That blow charm-the-guard scene opens my fake autobiography and cultural parody Mommie Smearest: See Joan Crawford In Bitch Selfie Ain’t Make You No Movie Star.
Why would I be offended by Mommie Dearest? That brand cemented me into your consciousness forever. FX isn’t making a miniseries about dull old brands like Barbara Stanwyck or Bellow Streisand.
I’m mad at Bellow because I was the first true crossover movie-star-singer with my 1929 smash dance-hit “Chant of the Jungle” from Untamed, my first talkie—and “singie,” Streisand. Bellow and I could be a new FEUD series, keeping me on TV in another role as the beauty.
Untamed is core to the scientific root of my Mommie Dearest personality, because afterward, I was clinically diagnosed with Hollywood Talkie-Trauma Stress Syndrome, afflicting silent film stars when they transitioned to talkies.
Every role leaves an emotional mark on an actress. My Untamed character “Bingo” was a violent young jungle-woman who beat and shot people who challenged her authority and commitment to high standards.
After Untamed, stress like wire hangers or being fired from a studio could initiate an episode of turbulent Bingo-Psychosis or BP (not gambling addition or an oil company).
This is why Bette Davis always looked like Baby Jane after we wrapped Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Well. That, and smoking and genetics. And drinking and a grouchy disposition. And the bitterness that comes from having never been regarded as beautiful. That’s an affliction I didn’t get.
On the subject of looking old, did you like FEUD’s treatment of my death scene on the beach in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
Not everybody can go back to their dressing room as a senior citizen and then climb out of a Cadillac minutes later thirty years younger with bigger tits. Unless you’re Cher, getting ready for a show.
I’m not being mean. Cher’s just been ungrateful toward me, as I explain in my remake of her hit “If I Could Turn Back Find the Time (I Was the First Cher).” There’s another potential FEUD series with me obviously playing the beauty.
Yes, Hollywood is a tough town. And nobody else in town has the brand clarity of Mommie Dearest, and FEUD knows it.
BACKSTORY on Kinkster MAG Contributor JOAN CRAWFORD’s FEUD Reviews
In keeping with Kinkster MAG’s objective of reinventing intellect and culture with thoughtful and unapologetic articles and original celebrity interviews for gay men with an edge, we asked Joan Crawford to review FEUD: Bette and Joan. Our Joan is from the searing novel lampooning reality-culture Mommie Smearest: See Joan Crawford In Bitch Selfie Ain’t Make You No Movie Star, with the outrageous-parody voice of Miss Crawford from the cult film Mommie Dearest. Read all of Joan’s FEUD parodies: here. Read Kinkster MAG’s review of Mommie Smearest here.