JOAN CRAWFORD from the Novel Mommie Smearest Disses FEUD ep.5: Part 6 of a Parody Series
A couple drama queens in heels swanning around like two Shakespearean harpies or RuPaul’s Drag Race-rs, howling and waving our arms in the air (with 1960s updates of highballs and cigarettes) while the natural process of human aging and decay continues its indifferent march. That’s Davis and me in FEUD ep.5.
Since it was all about me putting Bette in her place at the Oscars ceremony, why didn’t they just call ep.5 The Taming of the Shrew? Since that’s what I sort of did to Davis. Or The Unleashing of the Shrew, if you’re referring to me.
And WHY CAN’T YOU FEUD GIVE ME THE RESPECT THAT I’M ENTITLED TO and stop hauling me around in used g•dd•mned Cadillacs!?
For FEUD’s re-creation of the Oscar ceremonies in ‘63, I was conveyed in a f•cking used ’62. Meanwhile, that same g•dd•mned beat-up yellow bird-of-paradise ’59 Coupe de Ville that belongs by now in a Burbank buy-here-pay-here lot, still sits in my alleged driveway making oil stains. Next week the hood will be up with jumper cables hanging out waiting for a jolt from that cheap Falcon we keep seeing at Perino’s, after the busboy who owns it gets off work.
Christ. Doesn’t Brentwood have zoning against this kind of thing? Or maybe FEUD is playing this off as me living in Beverly Hills since they’ve played so fast and loose with other alleged “detail.” Last week I posed the question: How long do you think a movie star who smokes and drinks en route is going to keep a g•dd•mned used car that reeks of nicotine?
Although, what year of Cadillac I stumble into/out of seems beside the point since Jessica Lange Dearest is insistent on portraying me as a coutured and flustered Leona Helmsley fresh off a fraught courtroom discussion about tax evasion. Faye Dunaway got the Joan-edge right, Jess: Study the master. Or mastress. (Don’t question me—it’s a word, I just made it up, I can’t believe nobody thought of it until now.)
That’s apparently what FEUD keeps doing: Studying Faye and Mommie Dearest. Like the scene where I’ve been in makeup for about 18 days for FEUD’s Oscars, and then I’m WHIRLED around in my dressing chair for the BIG REVEAL (big deal) just like when you first saw me in Mommie Dearest. No ice skates this time, although they could be useful, the way FEUD skates around the facts.
And this FEUD business about me dragging other peoples’ spotlights over to myself without basis. We saw THOSE alleged shenanigans in Mommie Dearest too when I stole my daughter’s TV soap opera role when she was too ill to fight me about it. Although I did like commanding FEUD’s Green Room for my own purposes. And my telephone bullying of Geraldine Page was a great reveal of my widely known unofficial middle name: “It’s Joan F•cking Crawford!”
So. What would Shakespeare say is the big-picture roll-up from ep.5? Maybe this: We learn nothing as humans.
Despite all my Shakespearean Drag Race drama pulling off that brief, lasts-about-as-long-as-a-Pepsi Oscars stunt, I’m alone again. Sitting on the edge of the bed in my Ice Queen costume (after being DROPPED OFF IN A USED G•DD•MN ’62 CADDY!—oh, right, I mentioned that). The spotlight is off and the audience has gone home. So has every boyfriend who was ever on the other side of that frozen bed.
So what did I win that night, exactly? Besides creating a storyline for camp aficionados to follow decades later like sports fans who relive film highlights of NFL games past: hollow, empty, over, really had nothing to do with anybody except the principals.
And 14 years later, after a few more Joan Crawford ego-star turns, I’m dead. Among rumors that I ended my own life rather than endure a long, drawn-out “natural” death with my looks, health and career on a slide. Some people think an act like that is weakness. It actually takes great courage to recognize when something is over. To me, weakness is in not having the will to bring an end to senseless suffering that has no possible positive outcome. The answer as to whether I did it or not is in there. So.
YOU FIGURE IT OUT.
BACKSTORY on Kinkster MAG Contributor JOAN CRAWFORD’s FEUD Reviews
In keeping with Kinkster MAG’s objective of reinventing intellect and culture with thoughtful and unapologetic articles and original celebrity interviews for gay men with an edge, we asked Joan Crawford to review FEUD: Bette and Joan. Our Joan is from the searing novel lampooning reality-culture Mommie Smearest: See Joan Crawford In Bitch Selfie Ain’t Make You No Movie Star, with the outrageous-parody voice of Miss Crawford from the cult film Mommie Dearest. Read all of Joan’s FEUD parodies here. Read Kinkster MAG’s review of Mommie Smearest here.