This world is #realityfake. I’m here on parole from Hollywood Hell (after a mix-up regarding some
Mommie Monster Dearest bio-fraud) watching the White House reality drama Whatever Happened to Trump’s Brain? with Kellyanne Conway as Baby Jane Hudson. Why are we surprised? Civilians act like movie stars tweeting selfies from brunch, and Vatican City worships Hollywood’s Holy Trinity of Lying, Sex, and Money.
Into this fake-news moment of smartphone legends, stomps the FX high-heeled bio-drama FEUD: JOAN (and bette). This is a riveting series about a legitimate Hollywood Royalty big-screen legend (me), and her subordinate and less-attractive supporting actress. I wasn’t asked to star or executive-produce, so there are some flaws.
The brilliant Susan Sarandon deserves an Emmy for her valiant effort, but at 70 years old, she is simply too fresh and innocent to credibly portray Bette Davis at any age. FEUD could’ve used KeSillyanne Conway who is firmly in character and not suffering any fresh-and-innocent hindrance I can see.
Reality-casting FEUD from the White House talent pool might get the show A LITTLE EXTRA PUBLICITY. “Trump White House talent pool” alone is fake news.
For an alternative-fact actress to play JOAN CRAWFORD, let’s cast Daddy-I-Vanka-Be-First-Lady Trump. Lovely Jessica Lange does a great job as me—or is it me playing Leona Helmsley?—but Daddy’s Girl is closer to my age. For costumes, she could go to Big Lots and get back her fashion-junk Nordstrom dumped.
Ivanka’s sleek stepmother Millennia could body-double for the long-shots, but she is too old for the actual role or close-ups. (Don’t correct me—mid-forties in Hollywood or the fashion industry or Donald Trump’s bed is millennia—I’m exempt.)
But the reality (not the fake-reality) is, FEUD is completed. So as it unfolds, let’s deconstruct it with my unbiased insights and see how Jessica makes me look powerful compared to Fadin’ Away—I mean Faye Dunaway. We’ll encourage poor Susan as she soldiers on with the bankrupt role of the supporting actress. And we’ll fact-check historical inaccuracies—like the glaring absence of bombshell Mamie Van Doren, formerly named Joan Lucille in double-tribute to me and whose titillating 38DD double-attributes make Ivanka look like Richard Simmons.
Backstory: Kinkster MAG’s brilliant editors asked me to critique FEUD in my voice from my fake autobiography and cultural parody Mommie Smearest: See Joan Crawford In Bitch Selfie Ain’t You No Movie Star. Kinkster MAG is like a smart new Playboy and I’m still mad at the old one for never insisting I do a centerfold—I mean, I’m barely in my forties.
G•DD•MNIT I TOLD YOU I’M EXEMPT! WHY CAN’T YOU GIVE ME THE RESPECT THAT I’M ENTITLED TO!?
[FAKE EDITORS’ NOTE: This op-ed is just in from a reader. “Yeah, this is Bette Davis—main subject of FEUD, and star of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Miss Joan G•dd•mn-Playboy-New-Math Crawford can go back to Hell! Playboy didn’t ask because she was in her seventies! That’s not Pepsi generation—that’s gaslight generation!”]
More alternative facts, just like the inauguration crowd-count. See what I mean? KeSillyanne is perfect as Bette. Stay tuned.