JOAN CRAWFORD Disses FEUD: Part 3 of a Parody Series
JOAN CRAWFORD in MOMMIE DEAREST:
“Don’t F·CK with me fellas! This ain’t my first time at the rodeo. …
I know how to win the hard way.”
My “hard way” includes colluding with people I hate to make me look good—like ganging up with Bette Davis in FEUD Ep. 2 to toss a young blonde rodeo clown out of the ring before she could detract serious attention from me in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
Other Ep. 2 titillation included FAKE NEWS about my tits falsely called falsies by Davis in a gossip column. This was pre-Twitter so I couldn’t immediately smart-off back at her and win with “likes” (just like the president), so I had to go old-school and give a land-line interview with actual sentences.
Bette throwing shade on my perfect breasts is ironic since nursing on her frozen husks might yield one a chipped tooth and sour lactose ice-cube edible only after scraping off the hair. That bitter succor may explain Bette’s soured relationship with her daughter, who later in the show employed her smart private-schooling to correctly read Bette the riot act about being old and washed up.
This rant lasted much longer than I would tolerate from a schoolgirl and financial-dependent as you may recall from Mommie Dearest in a scene where, after floating views contrary to mine, my daughter found herself on a smashed glass end table in a choke hold. When it comes to running my house, I am the top.
Bette deserved to be dressed down, not least due to her tantrum elsewhere in the show about the aesthetics of her “leading man” about whom she whined was a “chubby homosexual.” Any Hollywood golden-era female movie star who values their audience knows that the dignified term one uses in such situations is bear.
In an effort to smooth any hurt feelings among our bear viewers, I hereby offer to accept all bear-based Bette Davis fans into my own bear cave, no questions asked about your past mistaken alliance.
My collusion with my frenemy Bette to make Jane a success is no different than Eishenhower-throwback veep Mike Pence endorsing always-angry (and amusingly balding) Ted Cruz for president and then fake-saddling up with reality-rodeo-cowboy Donald Trump to gallop into the White House. At least Bette and I didn’t fling political horse manure on everybody who was not mainstream heterosexual white(bread). We only targeted pretty young women.
So yes, I teamed up with Bette for the greater good, but I applaud FEUD’s Ep. 2 general beat-up on her. Besides appearing appropriately unconfident about her own acting skills and getting deconstructed by her daughter, she was also dismissed by studio-head Jack Warner as “not the only bitch in the kennel.”
And one day, onto the Warner kennel lot where resided the dumpy mutt Bette, trotted the svelte Doberman Joan who is allowed on the furniture. When I climb up on the couch, all the sires’ ears—or something—prick straight up on hard alert.
BACKSTORY on Kinkster MAG Contributor JOAN CRAWFORD’s FEUD Reviews
In keeping with Kinkster MAG’s objective of reinventing intellect and culture with thoughtful and unapologetic articles and original celebrity interviews for gay men with an edge, we asked Joan Crawford to review FEUD: Bette and Joan. Our Joan is from the searing novel lampooning reality-culture Mommie Smearest: See Joan Crawford In Bitch Selfie Ain’t Make You No Movie Star, with the outrageous-parody voice of Miss Crawford from the cult film Mommie Dearest. See Joan’s FEUD preview here, her review of FEUD here, and our review of Mommie Smearest here.