Why is love so complicated? Whether we’re in love, falling out of love or just longing for a new love the idea of love is something that does not come quickly or easy. When you find it, maintaining the essence of love is one of the most arduous tasks we will face in our lifetime.
I have been successful in love once, but it was when I was young and naive. Innocent in love is not a bad thing because you’re able to experience love without doubt, judgment or insecurity, the things that often end relationships. It’s those negative labels that cause us to become bitter, unforgiving and fearful of loving again.
As we mature in the game of love, it becomes more complicated, and we begin to reflect on the many times we thought we were experiencing love and if you’re like me, you were never in love. The experience of love is rare, and it’s hard to imagine that most of us will only experience a deep love once, twice or if we’re lucky a third time in our lifetime.
I am not saying the love we think we feel is not real. However, what I am saying is that the love we believe that we feel most of the time is a deep like for someone. However, that deep like for someone can not turn into love unless we step back and try to understand the five love languages. The five love languages outline the ways we express and experience love and are the answer to loving smart and loving for success.
Here are the 5 Love Languages:
Words of affirmation
Acts of service (devotion)
Relationships that don’t work out often result in one person not understanding what the other person needs. If you’re unable to identify your partner’s love language, over time the relationship will be too much because you’re unable to flex your relationship muscles.
By now, you might be wondering who came up with the 5 Love Languages, and I am happy you asked. Hell, if I know. I’m kidding; it’s a book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, written by Gary Chapman in 1995.
“According to this theory, each person has one primary and one secondary love language.
“Chapman suggests that to discover another person’s love language, one must observe the way they express love to others, and analyze what they complain about most often and what they request from their significant other most often. He theorizes that people tend to naturally give love in the way that they prefer to receive love.”
In recent years, I haven’t been lucky in love, but I should be honest; I haven’t been looking for love because my goals have changed. I have been fulfilled by owning a business and working with my best-friend. Although you would raise an eyebrow by my last sentence, my best-friend is not just my best friend. He is my business partner and ex-boyfriend who I was with for over ten years. Now that I understand the 5 Love Languages, I believe he and I naturally love one another and surprisingly and unknowingly organically connect to Chapman’s theory. Chapman theorizes that people tend to usually give love in the way that they prefer to receive love.
My Ex and I get on each other’s nerves, but he has my back, and I have his, and that’s love. He and I might be first loves, but we’re more than that. We grew up together and came of age together. There is some truth to Chapman’s theory, but the key to any successful relationship is ‘friends first’, looking at each other without judgment, trusting one another, but most importantly understanding that the power and your ability to function are not built on saying, “I love you” but on forgiveness. Love can only exist with forgiveness.
If you’re interested in identifying and discovering your love language, I highly recommend taking the test found on Chapman’s website. I took it, and I will say this, it was accurate. However, you have to be honest with yourself and your desires while taking the test. The test can only give you the exact answer if you’re truthful.
I will add, at first I was surprised to see a result of zero for receiving gifts. However, as I further analyzed who I am now at 44, I am no longer focused on the gifts because they mean nothing.
However, I scored two 10s, one for Quality Time and one for Words of Affirmation, and I believe that to be true. I love when a man wants to spend time with me and freely expresses his emotions for me. Taking this simple test, opened by eyes about myself and what I should be looking for in a man and a relationship.
Relationships will never be easy breezy because it requires two people to be on the same page. When you understand the 5 Love Languages, you’ll have a fighting chance to find love and maintain it instead of struggling through it.