Males who have gay sex as a whole have been bombarded by what has come to be known as “toxic masculinity.” Claiming they are less masculine simply because they have sex with other males. It is bad enough coming from the overcompensating machismo of homophobic straight people and/or those living on the down-low. But it is even worse coming from within the MSM (Men who have Sex with Men) community who claim to be out and proud gay/bisexual men.
Such as how there is plenty of bottom-shaming in the gay male community. Never mind the fact that it takes a hell of a lot of the strength associated with manhood (in desire and body) in order to take in a man’s dick substance-free. Especially if that top has a monster cock.
Or how I define as versatile. However, too often before I can engage in a sexual encounter, saying I’m versatile gets me quickly labeled as either an uber-aggressive top, or a total bottom.
I’m expected to be an aggressive top by non-black males because of what gay porn has taught them to think of my brown skin. And I am perceived as a bottom due to the substance abuse that some Gays use to mask their inner-shame, making them unable to perform as the top or versatile guy they claim to be. So they project their inability to perform onto my drug-free self.
All of the aforementioned and more are sexual expectations based on prejudice and lack of communication. With such ugly foundations, expectations of this kind are those that no one should be neither expected or pressured to fulfill. Yet some variation of them is imposed upon so many of us. And it needs to stop.
Hence why when I meet someone with whom it seems sex is a great possibility, I always ask, “Are you a top, bottom, or versatile?”
I ask this question because to make an assumption of a male’s sexual role just because of his age, weight, height, color/ethnicity, etc. is blatantly disrespectful to their individuality. And if you try to force a guy to be the opposite of his stated role, then you are furthering the disrespect.
Trust me, in my many sexual encounters, I have met many guys who said they were a bottom when I wanted them to be my top, and say they were a top when I wanted them to be my bottom. With this, I remedy such a situation by allowing that person to live their truth. Since I am versatile, if my hunger to connect my body to theirs is strong enough, then I will accommodate being the counter to his stated role. If that action is not going to lead to sexual satisfaction, then I have to take the road of someone who is either a total top or total bottom finding themselves paired with someone who plays the same position as them. I have to say I wish things were different, and part ways.
When a guy’s reality makes the sexual position you desire impossible or out of reach at the time, masturbation fantasies are always a good alternative. There is nothing wrong with going this route. It speaks a lot better of your humanity and manhood by respecting his position. But more importantly, it exercises your mind in maintaining its ability to be creative, which is a great help with a real-life lover.
The point is if your prospective playmate says they are a total top, total bottom, totally versatile, vers/top or vers/bottom, it is not a choice, but a must, that you accept it. And if their totality or level of versatility is not a match for yours, then move on. Either that, or play with them in the position they have stated waiting for a turn-around. Whatever the case, never pressure the turnaround to come about.
For my credo born of my need to exit the porn industry is MY BODY, MY CALL. So we must behave with our sexual and romantic partners in a way that shows we respect them living by that credo for themselves as well.