Part Two of a Parody Series
In the second big TV reality-fiction event within six days (Trump’s State of Disunion address to Congress was first) FEUD: JOAN (and bette) expertly presents vintage Hollywood with me swanning around in furs, diamonds, and Cadillacs just like in my real life. With one cameo of Joan Blondell apparently as a hard-drinkin’ Hollywood milk-truck delivery driver.
Christ, I’d almost forgotten the world where movie stars and the president actually looked the part and were not just reality starlets whose main qualification was operation of a handheld personal publicity machine. It’s been decades since I’d seen a true star, and weeks since I’d seen a real president not married to America’s first-ever nude-model first lady who surprised us all at the State of Disunion address by not riding a white horse naked into the room.
The first episode of FEUD: JOAN (and bette) maintained appropriate close-up on me—JOAN CRAWFORD—the biggest real movie star of all time, and my smooth efforts to bring Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? to the screen. With some unfortunate necessary long-shots of my supporting actress Bette Davis whom I recruited for the role as an act of charity.
I actually wanted Marilyn Monroe for Baby Jane Hudson—Marilyn was closer to my age and our uncannily close resemblance would’ve made it more credible for us to play two sisters—even twins. That’s the only reason I appeared “miffed” toward Monroe during FEUD’s first episode. And I was never poured drunkenly into a Cadillac afterward either. Pending you providing actual footage.
I thought I had rid myself of Davis after Jane when I stormed off the set of Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte (with her in another supporting role to me), but here she is back in FEUD, mouthing off again like she is the headliner.
[FAKE EDITORS’ NOTE: This op-ed is just in from a reader. “HEY! This is Bette Davis! Crawford was TOLD to leave the set of Hush—where she was playing another character subordinate to MY title role! After Hush Crawford did Trog—the one time she shoulda played the lead.]
This is JOAN again. F·CK Bette-Average-Looks-Davis. She’s all smart-mouthed now because she has confused herself with lovely Susan Sarandon—Davis never looked that good. I DID look that good and that’s why Jessica Lange got my role—but the “desperation” Jess brings to me is entirely fiction probably written into the script for dramatic tension.
Unfortunately, FEUD’s period of “real” Hollywood didn’t last. Neither did America’s period of “real” Washington. (If you’re counting, that’s two oxymorons in one paragraph.) But we all thought Golden Hollywood was very important and we’re still looking back at it—the cars, the clothes, the personalities—like it was something real, instead of a facade.
That’s how we are as humans: we attach to the temporary fake to uplift us from reality—which is why people watch debate on FOX Sports about long-gone NFaL (National Football advertainment League) games—or debate on FOX News about Trump’s State of Disunion—same thing.
We want things to matter, but everything is impermanent—which is always a big f·cking surprise to the big egos of the world—are you listening, Donald?
As I reminisce within FEUD’s beautiful re-creation of a now-evaporated Hollywood moment, I’m mistily reminded of something which for me brings the feud-prone human ego into focus:
You think yourself a personage,
That you’ve quite the name.
Until you trump mortality,
What’s your great claim to fame?
BACKSTORY on Kinkster MAG Contributor JOAN CRAWFORD’s FEUD Reviews
In keeping with Kinkster MAG’s objective of reinventing intellect and culture with thoughtful and unapologetic articles and original celebrity interviews for gay men with an edge, we asked Joan Crawford to review FEUD: Bette and Joan. Our Joan is from the searing novel lampooning reality-culture Mommie Smearest: See Joan Crawford In Bitch Selfie Ain’t Make You No Movie Star, with the outrageous-parody voice of Miss Crawford from the cult film Mommie Dearest. See Joan’s FEUD preview here, and see our review of Mommie Smearest here.