Why CRAPPY HOOK-UPS Is No Friend Of Mine

What Happens In The Bathroom Should Stay In The Bathroom!
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“If you’re always ready, you don’t have to get ready” is a quote I wish someone would have shared with the last four guys that I’ve hooked up with who were all total bottoms over 40. If so I would not be needing to air my dirty laundry (pun intended).

Let me start off by saying, this year hasn’t been the greatest, practically impracticable for one man to deal with and probably the reason I haven’t been successful hooking up in recent months. My head has been in the clouds and hasn’t been as selective as I usually am when hooking up online.

2018 has been a cyclone of events one after another, extremely stressful. And when I’m stressed, whether healthy or not, sex (hooking up) has been my coping mechanism, it’s an escape from reality.

The misfortunes of the past year lead me down a path that I can’t change, but it’s one crappy hook-up after another, literally. If you’ve been paying attention by now you’re probably cringing in your chair, but are most likely curious to know what the hell happened on these hook-ups.

Where do I even begin? I have many situations to choose from, but I want to keep this article from being banned plus the Google police and the sexually frustrated person are watching and reading so I will keep it PG-13.

Hooking up online nowadays has become more complex, and requires a user manual. From piggy to raunchy, pervy to KINK, these labels are beginning to get out of control and difficult to figure out what they all mean. They fluctuate from person to person, but that’s a separate article in itself. The blurred-lines of the various labels never really bothered me. My laundry list of requirements is short, be a bottom or total bottom, how simple is that? What could go wrong, that’s quick, simple, and to the point, right? It’s what I refer to as an uncomplicated and clean hook up.

However, at this point, I don’t know what to say or think. I’m speechless!  When did it start being acceptable for a bottom to leave their home without being properly prepared to bottom?

Luckily for me, I’m fortunate enough to say I’ve been with impeccable men who were meticulous about bottoming and who all took the prep process seriously. And I think it’s safe to say if they weren’t fully prepped and ready to bottom, I can guarantee they would defer the hook up for another time.

I continue to see those men from time to time when schedules permit but when they don’t, I am left recruiting new recruits. I think it’s time to send a few of them back to basic training.

I am not oblivious to the fact that technology has advanced so that we can hook up with anyone at any time of the day, I’m all for instant gratification. Today, all we have to do is log on to our computers or turn on our smartphones and access the many different websites or apps used to hook-up, and within moments we’re somewhere with someone doing the shake and bake.

However, I don’t think it’s always a good idea when you’ve been out all day to whip out your phone especially if you’re a bottom and decide you want to hook up. If you’re a bottom you need some time to get ready.

I think some gay men’s sex education was through watching porn and that’s not good. Putting all jokes aside, if you seriously think about it, where does a guy go to learn how to prep for sex? I could sit here and state the obvious, but it’s a serious question. I could be mistaken, but I haven’t seen a course being offered at the GMHC or the Center here in NYC; all the more reason why I give guys the benefit of the doubt when it comes to the prepping process.

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However, asking the top if you can douche at his house, in my opinion, is a huge turnoff. On top of that, “do you have a hose” is the next big question. The first thing that comes to mind, why would a total top need a hose, but of course, that’s immature thinking. There was a time when I owned a hose, but that quickly changed. Keep reading, I’ll explain.

I am no saint, and I have to admit, even though it’s not ideal, I’ve said yes! However, I regret it every time and especially after playing. One time the guy, as he was leaving, proceeded to tell me, “Oh, by the way, your tub is draining slow,” as I close the door. Rushing to the bathroom, I pulled back the shower curtain to be greeted to a muddy mess.

I can not believe this dude thought it was okay to douche but then release his recycled lunch in the tub instead of stepping out, and sitting where the sun doesn’t shine, the toilet. Needleless to say, that was the day the hose went in the trash.

I know it’s not easy to be a bottom, I will never say I don’t have sympathy or empathy because I do. I just have a hard time rationalizing when and how a guy of a particular age thinks it would be okay to show up to a guy’s house with a half or semi cleaned hole and think it’s not going to end up being a crappy hook-up.

Let me be clear, accidents happen, but I can not believe how many have been happening lately. After speaking with another top, he told me he was experiencing the same thing. Hold the presses, is this a new thing hooking up before freshening up? If so, I better start charging to cover the cost to purchase new bedding.

What disturbs me, even more, is the fact that they want it all. One wanted to continue after he finished a 30-minute shower, No, thank you, you can put your clothes on, and thank you for coming.

I’ve been so freaked out, I called a friend to ask him what could be possibly the problem, and what he told me freaked me out even more. He suggested their profiles might say, “looking to get dirty,” and if so that could possibly be the reason.

I quickly logged on to the website and searched each profile, luckily for me, that wasn’t the case, but then again, that’s still not good. At least that would have explained my trail of crappy hook-ups.

All jokes aside, I’ve spoken to a lot of guys this past month and to my surprise, many of them agree, we need more information or resources for men on how to prep or best practices for bottoms.

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Founder, Co-Owner & Managing Editor. Corey has experience in the corporate financial services, training, brand development, and when he is not writing he's at home dancing nude with a glass of wine.